Thursday, July 26, 2012

An Interview with a Lamp Post on Purvis Street

Hi, Lamp Post. Thanks for agreeing to do this interview. Let’s start with an easy question. 
What do you do for a living?

Is that a trick question?


That’s a stupid question.  Obviously, I shine light on darkness. I show you the way like Buddha, or Jesus or whatever. I keep the roads safe. I help old people, small children and people in general cross the road. I stop pedophiles, molesters, and armed robbers from doing evil. My responsibilities to civilians are no different from that of a Superhero.

Describe a typical work day.

7pm: I switch on.
7.10pm: A young couple sits under me on a bench and start making out.
7.30pm: An old couple walks past and looks at the young couple making out in disgust.
8pm: A dog pees on me.
10.15pm: Another dog pees on me.
1am: Gang fight. Bottles, bodies and heads are slammed against me.
1.15am: Blood everywhere.
1.30am: Police arrive. Medics arrive. Area around me cordoned off.
3.35am: Scene cleared.
4am: Silence.
4.30am: A homeless man walks past. He tells me he loves me. He wants to marry me.
5.15am: A drunken dickhead in a Lamborghini accelerates pastat 300-miles an hour.
5.18am: My nerves are still rattled. Fucking hate the rich bastards.
6.35am: Birds land on me.
6.40am: I suffer a migraine. I want to kill every fucking singing bird. 
6.45am: The damn birds shit on me.  
7am: I switch off.

Wow, that sounds tough.

Who said the life was easy?

Do you like your job?

I don’t have a choice.

What’s the best part of your job?

I work fixed hours.

What’s the worst part of your job?

Birds shitting on me. Dogs peeing on me. Perverts jerking off on me. Occasionally I get depressed when no one is in the area. I start to question my existence.

You look so sturdy and confident. I’d never guess you were insecure.
Do you have any advice to give to young aspiring lamp posts?

Stay calm and know that you’re not alone when your bulb fuses. It happens to the best of us.
Help will come in about two weeks.